The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,

get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be

executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did

the night before.



The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked

if she has any last words.



She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in

the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf

of the innocent."



They throw the switch and nothing happens.



They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for

forgiveness, and

release her.



The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I

just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power

of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."



They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.



Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and

release her.



The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,

I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in

Electrical Engineering,

and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you

don't plug this thing in.

A dwarf was walking past a chemist's shop saw a mega gigantic condom protruding from above the shop's entrance.



"Aha!" he thought and he strode inside and asked the pharmacist, "How much is that huge condom outside?"



"Uh... It's not for sale," said the pharmacist, somewhat bewildered.



"Oh... Please, I really want it! I'll give you £20 for it!" said the dwarf as he started to pull some cash out of his pocket.



"Look, I told you, it's not for sale," repeated the pharmacist, now quite perplexed.



"Okay, I give you £50 for it!" begged the dwarf, pulling out some more cash.



"Don't you understand? It's an ADVERTISEMENT. It's NOT for sale!"



"£100?" bribed the dwarf, desperate to have the out-sized condom.



By now the pharmacist was bemused, "All right then," he sighed. "I'll get a ladder and I'll go and take it down for you."



The dwarf paid his £100. He then took the condom, rolled it over his head and smoothed it down all over his body, right down to his toes, like a woman does with her stockings. He then turned to the pharmacist and excitedly asked, "So? What do I look like then?"



The pharmacist couldn't contain himself. "Like a bloody great big prick!" he laughed.



"Thank God for that!" The dwarf was obviously relieved. "I am so fed up being called a little c**t!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"





Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.







Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.



Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another nine times.







I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed),

in order to escape a possible conflict with him.



The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight."







He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."



When I asked him why, he said,

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit.",







cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat,







cuckooed another three times, giggled,







cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

The Trouble Tree



I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work & his electric drill quit, his ancient one ton truck refused to start. As I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. Upon opening the door he had undergone an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do at the little tree.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

FROM a systematic theoretical point of view, we may imagine the process of evolution of an empirical science to be a continuous process of induction. Theories are evolved, and are expressed in short compass as statements of a large number of individual observations in the form of empirical laws, from which the general laws can be ascertained by comparison. Regarded in this way, the development of a science bears some resemblance to the compilation of a classified catalogue. It is, as it were, a purely empirical enterprise. 1

But this point of view by no means embraces the whole of the actual process; for it slurs over the important part played by intuition and deductive thought in the development of an exact science. As soon as a science has emerged from its initial stages, theoretical advances are no longer achieved merely by a process of arrangement. Guided by empirical data, the investigator rather develops a system of thought which, in general, is built up logically from a small number of fundamental assumptions, the so-called axioms. We call such a system of thought a theory. The theory finds the justification for its existence in the fact that it correlates a large number of single observations, and it is just here that the “truth” of the theory lies. 2

Corresponding to the same complex of empirical data, there may be several theories, which differ from one another to a considerable extent. But as regards the deductions from the theories which are capable of being tested, the agreement between the theories may be so complete, that it becomes difficult to find such deductions in which the two theories differ from each other. As an example, a case of general interest is available in the province of biology, in the Darwinian theory of the development of species by selection in the struggle for existence, and in the theory of development which is based on the hypothesis of the hereditary transmission of acquired characters. 3

We have another instance of far-reaching agreement between the deductions from two theories in Newtonian mechanics on the one hand, and the general theory of relativity on the other. This agreement goes so far, that up to the present we have been able to find only a few deductions from the general theory of relativity which are capable of investigation, and to which the physics of pre-relativity days does not also lead, and this despite the profound difference in the fundamental assumptions of the two theories. In what follows, we shall again consider these important deductions, and we shall also discuss the empirical evidence appertaining to them which has hitherto been obtained.